Woman-speak

Reggie claims that we women have a language all our own and that life would be so much easier if there were some sort of translator to help the men figure out what the women are talking about.In an effort to promote gender harmony, I have decided to outline some common words and phrases used by women to clear up the confusion for the men.

  • Does this look ok? We really only want to hear the word “yes.” Any inclination on your part to express dislike for the item of clothing in question should be kept to yourself. The correct answer is, “You look great, honey! That color is perfect for you.”
  • How do you like my new haircut? Again, the only correct answer is one that shows approval and admiration. Haircuts can not be undone. Any expression of dislike for said haircut will result in weeks of pouting at your expense.
  • What should we have for dinner? This means you should come up with real and plausible dinner-type food suggestions. “I don’t care” and “Whatever you want” are not acceptable answers. We are not asking if you care what we have for dinner. We are telling you we need suggestions. Give some. If we knew what we wanted for dinner, we would not ask this question to begin with.  We would already be cooking something without having consulted with you first. Failure to offer ideas will result in a Pop-Tarts dinner.
  • Whatever! We have now reached the point of exasperation. Any further attempt at conversation or discussion is pointless and dangerous. You should now go away, preferably somewhere away from the house. A cooling off period is necessary and when you return, proceed with caution.
  • I’m really tired tonight. This means we are really tired. Stay on your own side of the bed. Don’t sling your legs over ours. Don’t pretend you’re just going to rub our backs because we KNOW in the back of your mind you’re holding on to that little glimmer of hope. Don’t think that the tired can be undone. It can’t. You’ll have to wait for another night.
  • Would you mind…..? We are not really asking if you mind doing something. We are telling you we NEED you to do something. Telling us that you DO mind is not an option unless you are ready for a good dose of exasperation and the martyr act.
  • I have PMS. This means we have cramps, we are moody and we will cry over the fact that you didn’t put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. We are ready to rip someone’s head off their neck. Run! Do not attempt to confront us and do not attempt to make us happy. This has been proven impossible time and again. Give it a few days and your regularly scheduled wife/girlfriend/significant other will return. Until 28 days later, that is.

Additionally, here are a few other commonly used words and phrases that have been floating around the internet for quite a while, but these are worthy of repeating:

  • Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up… Nevery use “fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
  • Five Minutes- This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade. 
  • Nothing - This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine.” 
  • Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows! ) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.” 
  • Go Ahead (Normal Eyebrows) - This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 
  • Loud sigh- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing” 
  • Soft sigh- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 
  • That’s OK- This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.” 
  • Go Ahead! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 
  • Please do- This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
  • Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say “You’re welcome.”
  • Thanks a lot – This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

add_toon_info.gif 

Reg, I hope this makes your life easier or at least gives you a heads up as to when it is a good time to make yourself scarce. Yes, I know it makes no sense. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. We will never come together, but we may be able to live together peacefully if we understand each other a little better. Good luck. 

About these ads

11 thoughts on “Woman-speak

  1. I am still a bit confused. I may tape this on the inside of my wrist like NFL quarterbacks do.

    I was disappointed that you women are universally into that back rubbing thing…I thought that was my smooth move.

    The five minute warning is fair and now understood.

    It does seem true that ya’ll are mad at us most of the time.

  2. Pingback: » Show and Share Thursday: Happy Hearts Tending the Eclectic Kinder-Garden

  3. SO TRUE! I agree with absolutely every single one of them. Almost. Except one.

    It is a pet peeve of mine. I hate when I hear other women asking their hubbys/SO if they look fat. I have resolved to never ask that question. If I feel fat, and my clothes are tighter, I know I need to cut back and get moving more. No need to ask unless I really am willing to hear an honest answer. And really, who is? Just don’t ask!

  4. “Would you mind…” – “Fine” – “Nothing” – and “Go Ahead” with raised eyebrows are staples in my marriage.

    These are excellent meanings Terri, and I applaud you for typing them out so clearly…sadly, I fear that even if I were to print this out for the husband and staple it to his forehead, the next time I say “Go Ahead” with raised eyebrows, he will say “Whoo, great! See you when the game is over!” And then we’ll be right back at “Thanks a lot.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s