Eye Daggers

Wreggie thinks women need to come with a “check engine” light. His hypothesis is that this light would give men fair warning when “hormones exceed a safe level.” He thinks this warning light would allow him to escape to safety before all female-crazy-hormonal-hell breaks loose.

Hey! Do you ever watch That 70′s Show? I was watching tonight. It was episode 53, Red Sees Red, to be exact. Are you all familiar with this show?  The cast of characters includes Red, the cynical, no-frills dad and Kitty, the sweet, kind, loving mom and the kids, Lori and Eric who are fairly typical teenage kids (who happen to wear a lot of ugly bell-bottomed pants) and a whole host of Eric’s teenage bell-bottom clad friends. Lori and Eric and the friends are always getting in trouble for things like smoking pot, or getting caught making out in Red’s car or some such thing. In episode 53, Red decided to inflict a curfew on the kids for their bad behavior. The kids kept pushing the limits and Red kept inflicting harsher punishments. Red was not succeeding in getting the kids to see the error of their ways. They kept sneaking out of the house so the punishments just got bigger and more over-the-top. Red continued to yell and punish and was only contributing to the kids’ desire to run away from home. Red was nailing windows shut, performing bedroom checks to make sure no members of the opposite sex had snuck in, and hanging jingle bells on all the doors so he could hear if anyone tried to sneak out. Kitty hoped that Red would try reasoning with the kids but could only watch as the wedge between her family grew and grew. At one point she looked at Red and said, “Stop it already! Enough with all this discipline!”

Red looked at her impatiently and asked, “Kitty, what would you like me to do?”

“I don’t know,” Kitty replied. “Maybe you could act more…  LOVING?”

You see, Kitty was growing more frustrated by the day because she wanted her family to communicate and love each other and all they were doing is digging in their heels and fighting harder. (Hmmmm!) Kitty wanted Red to impose logical consequences and discuss the problems with the kids calmly instead of acting like the alpha-male and threatening to plant his foot in their *sses. (His signature threat.)

I love that show.

The moral of the story? Wreg, the thing you don’t understand is that it’s not going to matter if you can equip us with the hormonal warning light. It is not going to help you because you are going to HAVE TO come back at some point and WE… we  women have the ability to shoot DAGGERS with our eyes. You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you suspect you’re being watched, but every time you look to see, your wife is just minding her own business? Mmm hmmm. Eye daggers.

And it IS your fault.

Maybe it’s NOT hormones.

You brought this on yourself.

And also…

“Fine.”

“Whatever.”

“Nothing.”

“And I have a headache.”

Hey! I have an idea! Instead of a warning light, how about you just give us a foot rub instead?

27 thoughts on “Eye Daggers

  1. I like the warning light idea, however, you’re right. It will not do any good. It’s only a light, we need a shield to protect us from those eye daggers. They sting at times.

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  2. So true, so true! The daggers, that is.

    The couple who used to live next door to me -when they would fight, sometimes they could be heard over here at my house. But one sure way the whole neighborhood would know when things were not going well in that household – everyone could hear the cupboard doors in the kitchen as the wife would slam them shut! That sound must have just bounced off every house on the street because you could hear it a long ways off. Now, if her husband would have taken heed to that noise, before he came home – picked up on the sound of the slamming cupboard doors ya know -just stayed at the bar a bit longer (well, maybe not that one as that was usually one of the reasons that caused her to slam the cupboard doors shut in the first place) but anyway, if once he did get home he’d have paid attention to that sound, a whole lot of fights there could have been avoided.

    Ah, the subtle sounds, huh?

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  3. Daggers? My wife has explosive-tipped harpoons!

    But on the good side, she also makes announcements like “I’m not going to be very nice for a few days”, which helps family harmony A LOT!

    As for family discipline, my wife dishes that out too – she is the one at home, she is the one who has to enforce it and she also knows the best way to punish each of the kids. I just back her up – a united front is everything!

    Result?

    I can’t remember the last time we had to punish them for anything! Cool!

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  4. A foot rub!

    So tip toeing around in utter fear of her power and dominion is not what she had in mind?

    Have you ever seen those beef jerky commercials called “Messing with Sasquatch?”

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  5. Nice thoughts/suggestions. You know, if ya’ll came with instruction manuals, life would be much easier. But, then again, we’d probably wouldn’t read them anyway and just start playing with the controls/knobs. My wife has used her daggers so much that they have worn down. She’s moved on to using clubs.

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  6. Hmmm… I dunno. During those hormonal moments, it’s probably best to just stay away from my feet. And fists and elbows too for that matter.

    That show is a hoot! One of the few sitcoms I like. Unfortunately, my kids like it too. Get waaaaay too many ideas.

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  7. I do love the 70′s show. Yes a foot rub or back rub given without expectations is key to calming the hormones, that and knowing when to simply stay out of the way and keep your mouth shut.

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  8. I’m with Wreggie, but … I’ve tried tracking monthly cycles, where they are in their pills, phase of moon, etc. most of my adult life when I found out the typical cycle is 28 days. Well, I have come to the conclusion it’s an ass whippin’ no matter what. I’m glad I have a penis is all I have to say.

    Knot

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  9. If you can keep it together, all that hormonal stuff will go away when you hit menopause. After the initial shock wears off, life gets a lot simpler and quieter. At least from the male perspective.

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  10. I love this! I think it’s my favorite post and am so glad someone finally found a funny but firm way to say it! You always make my day Terri. By the way, one of the new characters in the sequel is named…Terri. :)

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  11. A foot run sounds about right…I think I’ll be showing this post to Ken…

    I checked out your outfit post, which was fab, and while you look great in the ensemble if you are not comfortable in something it shows and that becomes what everyone notices…so wear what you like, you always look stunning and, by the way, I’m almost six feet in my bare feet, I wear heels all the time…wear them if you like them!!!!

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  12. As a man who lives with “many” women, a warning light would only confuse me. The light would constantly be on with someone in the house.

    My solution. Head out of town for a few hours. Let the storms blow down before coming back…

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  13. LOL! That was hilarious. I think I lucked out in that area, though. My girlfriend doesn’t really get ‘hormonal.’ Or if she does, she doesn’t unload on me. Of course, we’ve only been together like six months… maybe my time is coming. :-/

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