Tonight we say goodbye to 2009.
I know I’m getting old because I find myself thinking things like, “I can’t believe the year is over already! Where did the time go?”
I don’t feel old though. At least not physically. And my maturity level certainly hasn’t caught up with my years either. Last night I was in Kohl’s, posing in gangster hats while my son took pictures on his cell phone. Mark was perfecting his grumpy old man persona.
I think it’s just on the emotional level that I feel kind of old.
No… Scratch that… It’s not even that I feel emotionally old. I just feel like I’m constantly lost, trying to figure out exactly where I should be and what I should be doing. I still feel like I’m constantly questioning whether or not I’m on the right path. Is that normal for someone who has reached forty-three years of age? I don’t know. I feel like I should be more certain, more confident about my lot in life.
I don’t know. Maybe some of us never get past the need to question “what if”? “What if I had… finished college, been a stronger parent, pursued my goals more seriously?”
I wish I were the kind of person who could just take each day and accept it for what it is instead of constantly second guessing myself. I wish I were more confident in my decisions and direction. Life sure would be easier. But maybe this constant questioning is my catalyst for improvement.
I was going to accomplish so much in 2009. And yet here we are on the doorstep of 2010 and so many goals have once again gone unattained. I was thinking yesterday that it was about this time a few years ago that I started blogging. When I went to check the old blog, sure enough, there it was. My first blog post ever was written on December 30, 2006. As I read through that first post, I realized that as much as some things have changed since that day, so much also stays the same.
In reading through the many blogs I read this week, a common theme was, of course, New Year’s resolutions. Now I will tell anyone who will listen that I don’t make resolutions. In my experience, making New Year’s resolutions is simply a recipe for failure. But then I read a post about resolutions that really struck a chord with me. Bud’s Blog always has something thought-provoking to read, but his post, Resolutions? Me? really hit home for me. I began to think that not making resolutions was really the easy way out. Sure, if I don’t set goals, I can’t fail. But at the end of a year’s time, have I achieved anything at all? Probably not. I wonder if the lack of certainty and confidence I feel in myself has more to do with becoming complacent and failing to give myself something for which to strive. I thought back to one accomplishment that felt really good to me – becoming a runner. I resolved myself to do it. I put it in writing, on my blog, for all to see. Knowing I had told others about my goal was a strong motivator toward refusing to let myself fail.
2010 is almost here. And I don’t want to reach the end of another year, only to look back and say that nothing much has changed. So… I am making some New Year’s resolutions and I am posting them here. And hopefully, in a year’s time, I can look back and say that I pushed myself, that I learned something new, that I grew and that I loved better. So…
2010 is another chance to wipe the slate clean and do it better. I will strive to:
- Improve my spirituality, whether that means going to church more regularly or just setting aside time to pray and reflect
- Get my writing books back out and try to get serious about writing
- Make lists to stay organized
- Go to the gym at least three times a week
- Work at my photography
- And (I’m stealing this one from Bud) stay in contact with friends and family members more regularly, especially by sending fewer emails and making it a point to talk on the phone or visit in person.
2010? I’m ready! Bring it on.
And to all of you who stop by here from time to time, thank you. Your friendship means more to me than you know. May 2010 be filled with love, happiness and many, many good things! Happy New Year!