It’s been a bad day as far as being a parent and a part of this family. I guess it’s nothing that most families don’t face at one time or another. Maybe I got cocky. I often say that I am very lucky to have such good kids. And I do have good kids. But this weekend we all tested one another’s patience.
Personally, I let myself give in to that overwhelmed feeling I often experience. I ended the work week feeling pretty exhausted and somewhat sick, and as a result, Friday night was a loss for me. I got nothing accomplished. Saturday morning started out good. Physically, I felt good. I had a great run. And then I turned to face the household chores. It feels like the house just falls apart between the time the cleaning is done one weekend, until the time we reach the next. And I think the ongoing improvements taking place in the kitchen are beginning to take their toll as well. I just wish it were all done and I weren’t constantly looking at half-finished trim work and missing crown-molding. I’m tired of seeing tools in my kitchen. I want them out.
So the house was a mess on Saturday and the rest of the family had disappeared. Oh, they were all doing productive things to some degree, just nothing that helped out here, in our own home! And I started letting it get to me. Suddenly the unkempt condition of the house grew to epic proportions in my mind. The resentment seeped in. “I work full-time. I’m tired after working too. I would rather be doing something fun. But here am I. Cleaning the house. All by myself.”
Finally, near the end of the day, I vented my feelings by having a nice little yelling-fest with my husband, after which I apologized for blowing a cork and he informed me that I had every right to blow a cork and to which I responded, “Damn straight.” (He lets me get away with a little tantrum now and then. He knows it is cleansing for me.)
So we then had a talk with the kids about contributing around the house and things got back on track to some degree. But some things happened today. And some things came to light. It was nothing life or death, mind you, but just some things that were kind of disheartening and disappointing. I saw a side of my kids that I knew had to be there, but just don’t like to see. There was selfishness and insensitivity. And there was one issue with some behavior that is somewhat serious. You know how you make mistakes in your life, and you grow up and learn better, then as a parent hope your kids don’t bother with that particular poor choice? Yes, well, hoping isn’t always enough. But we had a serious heart-to-heart and all I can do now is hope that child can see that my disappointment is only so deep because my love for my children is as deep as it is. (Yes, I know this is vague, but I don’t want to hurt that particular child by writing specifically about the situation. I don’t want that child to feel any more beat down than they probably already feel.)
It was hot here today with humidity around 53%. I’m not sure why my husband resisted turning on the air conditioning for most of the day, but the stifling atmosphere just contributed to my feelings of failure and claustrophobia. I ended up hiding out in my bedroom for the evening and am ready to call it quits for this day. I’m looking forward to a new week and a better grip on everything. I know that I need to take control of the things that get to me. There is no reason we can’t maintain some semblance of order around this place. I guess it’s just going to have to be up to me to dictate how that is to be accomplished. I know the whole family does so much better when I make a check list of things that need doing. The check list (and probably a schedule) are the key to maintaining my sanity in this respect. They’re not lazy. But I remember being a kid. Kids don’t see that the floor needs vacuuming. Kids don’t see dust. But they will help with chores if I just tell them what I need. No one is going to read my mind, ever.
And just so you know, the evening out with our chiropractor and friends was a blast. I’ll save that story for another day.