I need a POOFER. But first I need someone to invent it. My friend and coworker, Denise developed the concept. That’s where her job ends. Now we just need someone to design the prototype.
The concept of the POOFER came about on lunch break when Lori was describing yet another frustrating grocery store experience. It seems at least weekly, this is a topic of conversation. Certain people just don’t get it. They have no grocery store etiquette. I know. I’ve experienced my fair share of these types.
Last Friday morning, for instance, I was navigating the aisles of my local grocery store. I was killing precious vacation time with a day of grocery shopping and other domestic duties. Believe me, I was none too pleased to be spending my vacation hours this way, but it had to be done. Mid-store, I took a left turn into the soup aisle. I needed some Cream of Potato. Just a ways ahead of me, a woman stood intensely studying some soups. Maybe there was going to be a soup test later on. I’m not sure. But her cart was abandoned haphazardly in the middle of the aisle. Diagonally. No one was getting past from either direction, but she seemed oblivious to the fact that, by golly, she was not the only person buying groceries that day. Did she not think other people might visit the soup aisle that morning? Was she really so self-centered that she couldn’t concern herself with other shoppers?
She had to have noticed me coming. I’m kinda tall. Had a big cart full of groceries that was heading her direction. I was doing that not-so-subtle throat clearing thing to try to avoid an awkward moment. She didn’t notice me. I stood for a moment, still unnoticed. Clearly her peripheral vision was impaired.
“SCUSE me,” I announced brightly.
“OH! Sorry,” she said, grabbing her cart with one hand and dragging it out of the way so I could pass. I thanked her.
But really! What is wrong with people? Personally, I believe you have to treat the grocery store like driving on public roads. Vehicles are coming and going in both directions. Stay to the right. You might have to yield sometimes. And for god’s sake, don’t park your vehicle diagonally across the entire thoroughfare! If you wanted to stop and get out of your car in the street, would you just coast to a stop wherever you happened to be and park without regard to the fact that other vehicles might need to get by???
I think not! The DMV tries to make sure people know the basics before issuing drivers licenses. Maybe the grocery store should require that people pass a test and receive a grocery shopping license before being allowed to shop.
This is where a POOFER would come in handy. When I encountered that woman in the grocery store, if I had a POOFER, I could reach into my purse for my handy remote control device. I could point it at anyone who is grocery store etiquette impaired. I push the big red button AND… POOF!
You. Are. Welcome. That person is no longer a grocery store annoyance.
Oh, I wouldn’t disintegrate people or anything. The POOFER would just send offenders to etiquette class and keep them there until they can pass the etiquette test.
This could have all kinds of uses. Coworkers who talk to much.
Husbands who annoy you. Phone solicitors from the home exteriors company who call every damn day for months on end trying to get you to agree to a consultation!
I was walking from the office to my parking ramp this afternoon. The sidewalk was busy with people parking and plugging money into meters. Some were heading to the building from which I’d just come. Others were walking away, like me. I got behind a woman who was doing what I can only describe as meandering. She veered from side to side, increasing and decreasing her speed without warning. Each time I made a move to go around her, she seemed to lunge in the direction I was trying to pass. It got so I was actually laughing at how ridiculous the situation had become. After multiple attempts to get around her, I finally made it.
And I sure wished I’d had a POOFER!