Yesterday was the most beautiful summer-like day. I’ve been waiting for a day like this for what seems like an eternity. It was perfect. Perfect cerulean skies with just a sprinkling of gauzy white clouds that didn’t stand a chance of getting between the sun’s rays and where I am. Perfectly warm … but not too much. The kind of day when the windows could be open, letting a light breeze carry in the scent of cut grass and the chirping of birds.
And I was home for it. By some stroke of luck, the handful of days I’d chosen to spend away from the office happened to land on this perfect day.
Except I didn’t even really notice it. I couldn’t see it until now. And now it’s gone.
See, I have this bad habit of saddling myself with every worry, every irritation, every little hurt until they are all I can see and all I can feel. I know I should let go but instead I grip all this sh*t tightly and carry it around with me until I’m beyond miserable and so is everyone around me. So some things have gone wrong over the past week. And some things just haven’t gone the way I’d like them to over the past few months. And some days I give in to the temptation to keep heaping every unfair thing onto a pile and hauling it around with me.
Which is what I did yesterday.
I was relieved to go to bed last night and just escape my self-imposed misery. I slept with the window open, the only drawback of which was that I had forgotten how loud the train’s whistle sounds in the dead of night. And normally that’s a sound I take comfort in, except when it brings me back to that place of worry and anger and hurt and then I can’t get back to sleep because I can’t shut off my mind again.
And so there I am at three in the morning wondering what kind of things a person can do around the house that won’t wake up everyone else and make them think you’re a total lunatic for not going back to bed. Turns out there’s not much. But there is the internet. The internet’s a pretty quiet thing and not likely to alert anyone to the fact that I might be just slightly off my rocker. Turns out the internet is a pretty good place to find reminders that all that worry and anger and giving up a gorgeous day to self-pity? … Completely wasted and pointless effort. Turns out that in spite of all the sh*t … even the one thing that I can’t fix … it’s just not that big of a deal, really. I mean it is, but…
I’m going up north sometime today… as soon as a few things can be resolved or I can at least put a band-aid on them. All of our kids will be there and we’ll have a couple of days to be with each other … without the constant drone of alarm clocks and suburb noise and cable t.v. and ringing telephones. We’ll have a dock to sit on and a beautiful lake to look at and really bad beds to sleep in. But that’s beside the point. And with any luck, it won’t rain the whole time we’re there and we’ll probably get to go fishing and we’ll definitely get to enjoy a few meals together, watch some late night movies and just be us for a while before we go back to the real world.
We’re all okay. We’re not sick. We have a place to call home and we have plenty to eat. All the other sh*t will work itself out eventually.
It’s still dark at the moment, so I don’t know if I’ll be graced with another beautiful day like yesterday. But if I am, I won’t forget to appreciate this one.