I do NOT want to watch American Idol this year. I am NOT watching American Idol this year. I’m NOT.
“Dude MOM! We have to watch Idol!”
“Dude Mom? Now I’m Dude Mom? What the……….Ok, we’re getting off track here. I’m not watching Idol. You guys can watch all you want. I’m not watching.”
I HATE the early episodes of Idol. I hate suffering sypathy embarassment on behalf of those people that somehow convince themselves they stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting an approving nod from Randy, Paula and Simon. I hate that feeling of wanting to crawl under my chair in the fetal position after watching some poor, stupid schmuck make an idiot of themselves on national t.v. Nope. Not going to watch. Just going to sit here and read my book.
Oh, but wait. I can still hear the t.v. There’s a voice that’s so good it gives me chills. Maybe I’ll just take a peek. I could be an American Idol JUDGE. I don’t need a trained ear for this. All I have to do is wait and see if I get chills up my spine. If I get the chills, you’re going to Hollywood.
Damn it! I’m getting sucked IN again! I’m going back to my book!
But wait. What the…..? This guy is showing Ryan Seacrest a baggie full of fingernail clippings he’s been saving since the seventh grade! Americans are so WEIRD! But hey! He can actually sing!
Ok, that’s it. I’m going back to my book.
Alright, wait. I’m just going to watch this girl. She survived a near-fatal car wreck and she has an unbelievably positive outlook on life. Look at the judges! They LOVE her! SIMON gave her the first thumbs up! She can’t sing a lick, but SIMON said YES! Sometimes I love him! Oh, no! Paula said NO! Come on, Paula! We all know she can’t sing but she’s so HAPPY and it’s addictive. Randy? Come on! Say yes to this girl. Please, please, please! I’m shouting at the t.v. Come on, Randy! YES! He said YES! I’m cheering out loud now!
Damn it! Look at me! I knew this would happen. I’m GOING. BACK. TO. MY. BOOK!
But wait. I’m just going to watch this guy. LOOK at him! He’s awful! They’re begging him to stop, but he won’t STOP! He sounds like a wounded dog! They’re escorting him out and he WON’T STOP SINGING! I hope they’re taking him to a good psychiatrist.
Oh, damn it. Look at me. Book? What book? I have no time for reading. I have to watch America’s favorite freak show.