Laying on Beds

Mark and I ran some errands after work today. First it was off to a local bowling alley. Not one of my two regular bowling alleys, but the new one where our Saturday league will be moving next season. I’m in charge of Fun Night for the Saturday league again and it’s this weekend. And it will be the most fun Fun Night ever! I made a game where we’ll bowl 9-Pin No Tap for three games. Strikes are worth one point and spares are worth two. As soon as a bowler accumulates fifteen points, they get to come claim a prize envelope. Most bowlers will win five dollars, but a few others will win more.

I wanted to make Fun Night even more fun, so we went to the new bowling alley tonight and talked to the manager. I said, “Hey, our league is coming to your bowling alley next year and I wondered if you’d donate a few free food coupons or something for me to use as prizes for our Fun Night this weekend.”

The manager said, “Sure, I’ll give you some freebies.” And he donated – for every bowler in our league – a pass good for three free games of bowling for up to four players. And then to top it off, he donated what equates to a bowling party. It was a certificate for three free games of bowling for twelve people, plus free shoe rental.

I was so excited! These are great prizes. I thanked the manager profusely for his generosity! Remind me to send him a thank-you card.

After the bowling business was taken care of, we went to check out new mattresses. We need a new mattress. Ours is eighty bajillion years old, or maybe not quite. But it’s old. I’m a side sleeper and I sleep on my left shoulder. I can’t help it. Even if I fall asleep in a different position, I eventually end up on my left side. And when I wake up, my shoulder hurts. And Mark said he was looking into buying a sprinkler system for the yard, and I said, “Well if you get a sprinkler system, then I want a new mattress.” So being the good husband that he is, he took me to look at mattresses because he figured it was a small price to pay for a sprinkler system.

We went to the local furniture store where they sell indoor furniture and outdoor furniture and mattresses. We wandered our way into the mattress section and after perusing mattresses aimlessly for a few minutes, a nice sales-woman asked if she could help us. Mark said, “Can you show us where those… ummm… something-pedic mattresses are?”

And she willingly showed us the way to the something-pedic mattresses with the memory foam that contains cooling gel so you won’t get too hot while sleeping. I wasn’t sure how I felt about a memory foam mattress. I have a memory foam pillow. I like it alright. I use it when my neck hurts and then I go back to my pile of regular pillows until my neck hurts again. But laying my whole body on memory foam? It just doesn’t seem right. Mattresses are supposed to be bouncy, aren’t they?

Mark was fascinated by the memory foam. He played with the sample pieces that the store puts out so you can see what’s really inside the mattress. The sales woman was telling us how much she loved her something-pedic mattress. She said to go ahead and lay on some of the mattresses.

Mark sat on a bed and laid back, letting his feet dangle on the floor. “Hey, this feels pretty good,” he said. “Try it.”

I took my shoes off and climbed fully onto the mattress. If I was going to test it out, I wasn’t going to pussy-foot around. I got on my left side and curled my legs up a little. I liked it. I really liked it.

“Wake me up in an hour,” I said to Mark. He looked embarrassed and said, “I can’t take you anywhere.”

While the sales woman continued to talk about all of the benefits of the something-pedic mattresses, I continued trying out beds of varying firmness. I found one I really liked and called Mark over to try it out. The sales woman said it was the best-selling mattress of the brand we were considering.

We continued to lay on the bed while the sales woman talked. Mark asked if the mattress would keep him from tossing and turning so much. She promised it would. I asked if it would keep Mark on his own side of the bed. I pushed him toward the other side as I asked it. She said she couldn’t guarantee it. Mark said I was embarrassing him. The sales woman said, “Oh, that’s not embarrassing. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen in this line of work. I’ve seen it all.”

We agreed that details were not necessary.

Mark asked if the mattress would work with our existing frame. The sales woman said it would. I said, “Wait a minute. I wanted to get a bigger bed this time. I was thinking king size.”

Mark said, “We don’t need a king size bed. There’s plenty of room for two in a queen. Make Lucy go sleep somewhere else if you don’t have enough room.”

“Why don’t you go sleep somewhere else,” I suggested.

We were quickly getting sold on this bed. Mark finally thought to ask how long they were on sale. Because we had gone there due to the mattress sale.

“Oh these aren’t on sale,” the sales woman said. “The ones out front are on sale, but not these.”

“Well I guess we don’t have to make a rush decision if they’re not on sale right now,” Mark said.

“These never go on sale,” the sales woman said.

“Oh,” we said. That was interesting.

“How much is this one,” I asked? I was already having visions of blissfully restful nights in that bed.

“It’s $@,*&%,” she said.

“Yikes,” I said. It was a lot of money for a bed. But of course, we were now so sold on the bed that we weren’t quite ready to walk away from it.

“Just out of curiosity,” Mark said, “How much is the top of the line bed in the competing brand?”


Thirteen. Thousand. Dollars. For a bed. I don’t know. All I can think is you’d have to have some serious sleep issues to be willing to spend $13,000 on a bed. And you know I had to lay on it after hearing that. It felt good. But thirteen thousand dollars good? I don’t know. I made Mark go lay on it. He did the dangly legs thing again while he laid on his back. I said, “It’s a thirteen thousand dollar bed! Go for the gusto! Get your whole body up there!”

But he wouldn’t do it. He’s not adventurous like me.

Of course, the one we liked didn’t seem quite so outrageously priced now. We said we’d go home and think about it. We took the sales woman’s card because we want to work with her when  if we go back to purchase the bed. She was knowledgeable and she played along with our antics and besides, we just liked her.

As we walked out, Mark was saying how he would really love to have that bed.

“But it’s a lot of money.”

“And you know we have to have new bedding if we get a new bed,” I said. “I’ll start looking.” (See how I did that? I’m getting a new mattress.)